CraneRelmaraVaerun

Honestly, I really don't like that this has become a topic that I feel the need to harp on.

I've had my fair share of toxic experiences and been a toxic person a few times.

Several years ago I was a member of a group, I won't smear the name of the group as it is still active and I'd love to rejoin them. But the first altercation I had was with a young woman who was blatantly lying to and manipulating the group. I sensed there was something amiss but initially my heart went out to her. It was later when I did a tarot reading of her situation that I discovered the truth. At that point, I became suspicious as my readings are very seldom wrong. I left the matter alone because she seemed to be very needy for attention and I too had known that need. But then the drama spiraled out of control and became absurd. When called out the young woman tried to defend her lies and layered more atop them, it pained me but at that point, I could no longer allow drama like that, to so consume the group of people I'd come to love. I leveled my accusations and we all agreed that the story was beyond painful and her lies contradicted themselves. By the time she finally came around to the fact that we didn't appreciate being lied to she'd already been barred from the group. While I felt mild satisfaction over having helped remove a toxic influence a new problem arose.

Typically these days I shy away from the topic of religion. I don't need to disclose mine nor do I need a bible shoved down my throat. That being said I've found a cult that is rather frightening, related to Nordic teachings and practices. One of the group members was a member of this 'cult-esque' group and was extremely combative when the topic of religion happened to slip into the chat. I had somehow offended her, thought the exact offense now slips my mind. But this woman behaved viciously and though I attempted to explain myself and apologize there was very little that could be done, ultimately she left the group.
This 'cult' would come back to later haunt my life.

Still, within the group, I made a grave error. I support homosexuality, I am all for people loving who they want. What I don't like is straight shaming. For those of you who may not be aware of this, it is the practice of extremists who feel like everyone who is of heterosexual orientation is an affront to them and that their choices for their creations and the have been made to spite them (Much like the current argument over Samurai Jack and his young lover Ashi, as there are many people crying pedophilia in the case of the age difference between Jack and Ashi, simply because Jack is not with another man). I very foolishly proclaimed once I was proud to be straight. A mistake I will be sure to never make again. I was proud, proud to be a straight woman that my friends of homosexual orientation could rely on as a supporter of their cause. That was what I thought the post I shared on facebook meant. I tried to defend my position feeling suddenly quite attacked, but I do think I removed the offending post after some vicious verbal attacking.

Upset I attempted to bring this up with our group leader only to find him now rather overwhelmed. Ashamed, I stepped back from the group, I didn't leave, but I certainly didn't participate as actively. As if to add insult to injury I learned my best friend had upset one of the co-founders, badly, by calling her very real condition an act. In her defense, the signs can be hard to spot and sometimes can look like a cry for attention, especially if you can't regulate your emotional state without meds, something I'm learning to cope with still after all these years. I was removed from the group along with my friend because we had come to be perceived as 'toxic' people.

I cannot begin to express how sad and hurt I was by this, especially since my friend had brought me into the group in the first place. I was not only struggling with losing friends I loved but with the feeling of being empty and alone, as shortly there after my boyfriend of almost 2 years dumped me. He started dating a local high schooler who dumped him because he wouldn't sleep with her. Around that time I became involved in a facebook RP group, and when it started we were all happy. But as I became busy with work, I ended up not having any time to interact with the group. They moved on with only vague mentions of my character, even though my best friend tried to keep us in the group one very mary-sue woman took over and essentially had a harem of other characters going. And then she converted to that 'cult' and became extremely heartless and abrasive and abusive.

Slowly we slowly drifted away. That's not to say we didn't try to get back into it but... I hate to say it, I gave up. I was stressed I was depressed, I was going through a lot and I just... I didn't have the strength to fight her bullcrap anymore.

Now I have managed to maintain friendships with several people from the various groups only to learn one of the ones I had an altercation with got kick from the group because she became toxic and abusive and so did another person who I previously thought was sweet as sugar.

It just goes to show, toxic people can and will use any and every opportunity to tear you down, and what's important is catching yourself before you become toxic, or knowing when there are warning signs, be they habits you notice or a friend warning you. IT's hard to cut a toxic person from your life, and it's harder to get one to change unless that one is you.

I can't say I'm a perfect person. I'm utterly and completely flawed and in many ways broken beyond repair.

That's why I want to warn people about a very toxic person. Now, unfortunately, the stash has been deleted by DA Staff but you can talk to MagicalCrystalWings for the details.

This person TBRae has been harassing my friend and taking shots at her, figuratively speaking, with her words and her art. Now I can't deny, her art shows talent and promise, but the manner in which she treated my friend for the extent of their relationship was atrocious. It was abusive and she always, ALWAYS, made it seem like her life was utterly the worst. This is behavior I called out years ago with the girl from the group who kept spinning tales of drama and suffering to make people pity and love her. That was out of a need for attention. What this person does is very, very different. She creates a dependency relationship, makes you feel like she well and truly needs you. Like she cares, but she will beg for things, demand your time, cut into your social life or marital life if you have one, demand to know where you are all the time, claim you are stringing her along if you don't give into her demands, threaten to kill herself, and a number of other things, and this is not even everything she did to my friend Wings.

Honestly, I couldn't care less about this TBRae, simply because she's not even worth the time I'm taking to type this. She's not worth time, nor breath, nor thought.

But you know who is? Each and every one of you out there, with your big beautiful hearts, your kind smiles, and lovely hearts. I don't write this to be attacking or spiteful, or even to gripe (though I know this sounds like a massive gripe session.)
I write this because I cannot bear to watch anyone be pulled into another person's extremely toxic behavior. I don't want to see hope and joy robbed from not only the faces, but the art and writing of others.

I don't want people to go through the pain Wings did, the pain myself and my best friend endured, the pain that we've caused with our selfishness and the pain that every other manipulative person out there is gleefully planning to cause.

Don't let yourself become a victim of another person's darkness.

And to anyone I've ever hurt on DeviantArt or any other site you might know me on, whether you've told me I hurt you or not, whether you've reported me to staff or not, whether you have blocked me and refuse to speak with me ever again, or whether we've just lost touch, please know that I am sorry. I am truly and utterly sorry. To think that I was for a time a toxic person makes me deeply ashamed.

But I love my friends, my DA family, and my real family. And I don't intend to ever abandon anyone who truly wants a friendship with me.
I guess this is really all I have to say right now. If you have stuck with it to the end please let me know in the comments if you've had an experience with a toxic person, because we all need an open ear to vent to when they come up.

So, generally, I think I am an okay person, not the best or brightest but I like to think that if given the opportunity I would do anything I could to help.

That being said, I don't really do much to take care of myself. I tend to wake at about 7-7:30am and law about until 9/10 am when I get ready for work. Sure I do laundry or cook for myself but if given the choice, I'd rather buy a quick take out meal. I do dishes when forced, but all in all I don't help myself much.

So in order to motivate myself I'm going to be making weekly journals to track my progress. Might do status updates to, just to keep on track. And as a first step I have subscribed to a weight loss app and a yoga app. Here's to better health and productivity. Oh yeah and surgery in about a month...

Hi everyone!

Gosh is so good to be back to DA! I know it's my fault partly I've been gone but honestly, I have to say times have been kinda rough.

For those of you who don't know these are the current events of my life.

Discovered I'm diabetic.

Got in a little legal trouble (almost done with that)

Got a new job!

Got into a car accident in November and now I need surgery, (info on which can be found here Amber's Car Accident ) Which I'm trying to raise money for my surgery and to help my family

And helping friends deal with rotten poisonous people in their lives.

Right now, I'm at work just kinda waiting for the day to end. As of Friday, I need to go to the doctors and get my surgery scheduled so that I can get my two lower back herniated disks in my back fixed (Or at least as fixed as they will get). So during the slower days at work, I've been trying to do some work on my art skills

I think what I'll do is open up 3 request slots at a time and work on them til I'm done then open it up for the next 3 people. Keep in mind my art skill isn't great but I'm getting there.

So as of right now, requests are: OPEN

1.
2.
3.

The entry will be edited to reflect if they are open or not.

So, I know I've been rather quiet the last few weeks/months, but I've been going through a major rough patch.

One reason for the silence is this: www.gofundme.com/Ambers-caracc…

Once the surgery happens I'll be gone again for a while. So I wanted to take the opportunity to address a real big issue here on DA.

Toxic people.

Now, honestly, I don't like to make journals like this for the specific reason that I generally don't like a lot of attention. But with the events of the last week or so I have found my urge to voice my irritation and anger.

Now, the definition of a toxic person can vary from person to person, but generally, they are; a person that is self-centered and prefers to take all your attention and give nothing back, but claim how they love you and how you are their everything and that, honestly, they will always be there for you when they can usually only give that when it fits their designs. They are physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. 

Everything that you say they have to one up. Everything you do they try to shut you down, but the moment you point out their flaws or short comings they attack with viscious abandon, make you feel like scum on the bottom of their shoe, but will crow and sob the second that you try to distance yourself.

Suicide threats and other such means of self-harm are used to chain you down. These people may have experienced terrible things in their life like the death of a loved one or abuse, and that should not be neglected. But for poisonous people, they have mastered the art form of turning their trauma and pain into a weapon of confinement. These people become offended when you suggest they get help because that means you are telling them they need to disarm.

The following stash belongs to a dear friend of mine, I ask you to make no judgments until you have read the entire photographed sections. But as you start to read, please bear in mind this dear friend had only just been told about a beloved cousin's passing almost a week after it had happened. This was done because the cousin was in the middle of a nasty divorce and they wished to wait until the reading and bequeathing of his estate to avoid conflict with the wife.

sta.sh/2k91w3e6htw

In this, I would like to point out something rather vital about an emotionally manipulative toxic person. No matter what you do or say, they will always think themselves right and you wrong. And they will play the wounded deer next to the Lion.
For those unfamiliar with this analogy let me explain. For some reason, the deer and lion are actually friendly with each other. The lion protects the deer but the deer is already wounded by the time the lion intervenes. Stumbling upon the scene the only logical explanation is that lion is the one at fault. 
This is how emotional manipulative people act when they are finally cut off. The act like everything is a personal attack against them. This is untrue. 9/10 the person who cut them off seems like the bully or bad guy, which is rarely the case. Now, are they bitter towards the person, more than likely, though honestly, they would be more willing to scrub the person from their life entirely than to engage in this idiotic dance between them self and the person who emotionally abused them, whereas the abuser takes every chance to try to make everyone believe that the abused is out to get them, when really they are trying to warn and protect people from going through similar abuse. Yes this is actual abuse, all as important and real as any real world abuse.

Now, this part is directed at the person who I refer to as the abuser in this situation. Whom we have dubbed the tumor.
You are a small, petty thing in our great wide world. Your words and deeds are hurtful and cruel. I do not say these things to be harsh, cruel or critical. I say them because you have my pity. You are the type of person that will never know real love, you are one that will reach for, claw and destroy any chance you have at real love and compassion. You twist words to suit your meaning, and you feel you have every right. You think that you should be hailed as perfect but the reality is, you actually hate yourself.
You hate who you are, where you come from and you see the happiness of others as a personal threat against you. Instead of acting like a full grown adult woman, like I know you are, you continue to play these catty, juvenile games. And I pity you.

Now I'm not peach myself, and I am certainly not a 'White Knight'. I'm overweight and in terrible pain every day. I find myself very unattractive and rather socially inept. I have little love though for people of your ilk. You are the type of person I would wish misfortune on and I would if I knew your true names would utter nightly curses upon. You are a stain upon humanity, a tumor, to be removed. You are not a beautiful and unique snow flake, you are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We are all part of the same compost heap. We are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. You have to give up. You have to give up. You have to realize that someday you will die. Until you know that, you are useless.

Spread the word before it's too lateThere's a hacker lurking around DeviantART that will change your password and put Thomas the tank pictures in your Sta.sh and post inappropriate pics on your account.
They will post bad pictures only if they hack your account. If they found out you posted a journal entry about this warning, they will know what's up and they won't hack your account. They will also be posting journal entries saying things like "I hate you all! Go die!" and remove all your watchers. The best thing you could do now is copy this warning and post for all your friends and watchers to see and spread the word! The hacker will go around hacking accounts and block your friends to get your friends to block you back, get you in trouble, and get you banned from DeviantART.
If you want to save your account, you should make a journal entry with this warning to keep the hacker from hacking your account. So, SPREAD THE WORD!!!